


AUNTY AGONY VILL FIX ALL YOUR SCHTUPID

by themysteriousinternetentity



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Advice, Advice Column, Bad Advice, Cooking, Depending on who you ask, Jaegers, Recipes, Relationship Advice, coming back to the tags to say, mechanicsburg - Freeform, poisonous recipes but not intentionally, truly terrible advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-05 14:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15865620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themysteriousinternetentity/pseuds/themysteriousinternetentity
Summary: (An anonymous jaeger-run advice column. Jenka is DEFINITELY not writing it. Question submissions welcome and highly enouraged!!!)





	1. Chapter 1: Mothers-in-Law, Fashion Advice, and Housewarming Gifts

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [through the alley until you get to the header](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15854559) by [brawltogethernow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brawltogethernow/pseuds/brawltogethernow). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit:  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Girl Genius and make no claims of such. I write fic for fun and to show my love for the comic. I make no money off of this and do not want to. My works are not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment.

AUNTIE AGONY VILL FIX ALL HYUR SCHTUPID  
and hyu all haff lotz of schtupid

A reader asked:  
My mother-in-law doesn’t like me. Should I keep making bids for her affection, or assassinate her and make a grab for all her underworld business holdings?

Auntie Agony replied:  
Hm. Normally hy vould tell hyu to keel her und be done vith it, but you haff to be more careful vhen love is concerned. Hyu luff hyur spouse, and they probably luff deyr mama. But hyu shouldn’t haff to vory about makink her like hyu either. Is not hyu problem.  
First talk to hyur spouse if hyu haffent yet, und ask how dey feel. Den, either dey help giff hyu an alibi, hyu decide to risk de kill anyvay, or hyu chust tear deyr business right out from under dem vhile dey are lookink de other vay und hyu are distracting dem vith hyur snail casserole. Dot vay hyu spouse still has deyr mama and de mama knows to fear hyu.

 

A reader asked:  
I brought a housewarming gift to a Spark and he immediately incorporated it into his newest project. Is it wrong to feel offended?

Auntie Agony replied:  
Hyu ken feel vhateffer hyu vant sveethot, but I dunno vhat hyu vere thinking vould happen! Hyu know vhat madboys are like. Next time hyu vanna giff vun a present, chust get a wrench and be done vith it. Is vhat dey like anyvay.

 

A reader asked:  
How do I balance fashion and assisting in the lab if I can’t afford couture lab coats?

Auntie Agony replied:  
Vell, dere are a couple tings hyu ken do. Hyur first option is de jaeger vay. Find somevun vith a nize labcoat und fight dem for eet. Now hyu gotta be careful here becauz hyu dun vanna mess up de coat before hyu can vear it. Second option is learn to sew! Dere are lotz ov cheap vays to make hyur labcoat look a bit nicer. Chust fitting it instead of vearing one-size-fits-all can go a long vay! Third option is check thrift stores and estate sales. Dere are lots of options out there, pick vhat vorks for hyu.

 

A reader asked:  
My son does not ride with the Jägers but really likes them. Is it rude for him to wear the horde symbol to show his support? I’m worried he’ll be dragged away on a hunt if he’s wearing it in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Auntie Agony answered:  
First ov all hy tink hyu mean right plaze at de right time. Hunts are verra goot. Second, hy dunno how stupid hyu tink ve are, but ve do know who ve ride vith. Chust becauz hyu dun haff green und pink skin doesn’t mean ve kent tell hyu apart! Third, if he vants to show his support he should vear a trilobite and support de Heterodyne like efferybody else. Horde symbol is for de horde and de vuns vhat got de guts to fight vith us instead of cheering on de side.

 

All ov hyu need lotz of help, und hy em unfortunately here to help hyu. Send hyur schtupid letters und i make hyu better.


	2. Chapter 2: Funerals, Idiots, and Mimmoth Stew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit:  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Girl Genius and make no claims of such. I write fic for fun and to show my love for the comic. I make no money off of this and do not want to. My works are not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment.

AUNTIE AGONY VILL FIX ALL YOUR SCHTUPID  
and hyu all haff lotz of schtupid

 

A reader asked:  
Auntie Agony: The first anniversary of a very sad thing is coming up, and I have been staying up late doing silly things instead of sleeping, in order to avoid the sad. Unfortunately, my body still needs sleep. How can I fix this?  
Also, is having a funeral on Friday the 13th of October any different from having a funeral any other day of the year, and is it strange to have friends, family members, and miscellaneous local children bury the body?

Auntie Agony replied:  
Hy em sorry hyu haff had a very sad thing happen, dot is neffer gut. If hyu vant to fix dot hyur body needs sleep, hy think hyu should talk to hyur local madboy und dey can help you vith dat. Effen jaegerkin need sleep, so is not something I ken help vith.  
If hyu vants advice on getting more sleep though…first of all, schtop dat. Humans is veak und sqvishy und needs lots of rest to be healthy. Hy dunno vhat kind of sad hyu haz, but hyu can do a few things. Hyu can do really exhausting things right before sleeptime, so as that hyu is verra tired and goes right to sleep vith no time to be sad. Hyu can find a friend or family member dot vill cuddle vith you before sleep so dot hyu isn’t sad. Or sometimes hyu just needs to sit down und face de sad und cry about it for a bit, und then hyu ken move on from de sad.  
For de funeral: hyu haff whoeffer hyu vant deal vith de body. Hy dunno vhy hyu vants to bury it instead of give to de masters but is up to hyu, some pipple has different thoughts on dese things. Hy dun judge. Is gut to haff de kids help though, teaches valuable life skills.  
De funeral day is mostly no difference, but hyu gots to remember to do de variant Red Cathedral rite. Used to be all de funerals on Fridays ve haff de ceremonial blood sacrifice, but Master Bill und Master Barry haff said no (effen though no-vun ectually dies, is chust a little bloodletting). So hyu ken’t forget to bring de orchids vith the procession. Und of course de October funeral gots to haff efferyvun in blue clothes, but hyu knew dat hy em sure.

 

A reader asked:  
Dear Auntie Agony, I am currently dating the Jager of my dreams. A couple of months back, I decided to further our relationship by inviting him to move into my apartment. The problem is not with him, but because two of his "brodders" seem to believe that this invite is open to them as well. My boyfriend has NOT helped matters by giving them each a copy of the apartment key. Now they barge in at odd hours, empty the kitchen of food and just make an absolute nuisance of themselves! It's really embarrassing to hear applause and wolf-whistling from outside your bedroom after you and your boyfriend have finished having sex! I've tried talking to my boyfriend about this, but he seems to think that the three of them are a package deal, and the only concession he's made is to buy the groceries. Auntie Agony, I'm at my wits' end about this! What should I do??  
Signed,  
Luff me, luff mine brodders

Auntie Agony answered:  
Oh sveethot. Dis is vhy hy dun date brodders. Dey is all idiots. First, hyu gots to remember to draw lines firmly in de relationship. Sit down vith hyur boyfriend und say “Dis is vhat hy am villing to deal vith, und no further. If hyu push dis line hy vill kick hyu out on de street for de night und hyu ken sneak back in vith flowers and hope mebbe I forgive hyu.”  
Hyu think I joke? If hyu dun draw dis line soon, de entire army vill be eating in hyur kitchen. Is verra serious. Tell him if he dun get dose keys back, dere vill be no sex, because hyu dun vant to risk people listening. Is verra reasonable line to draw seester.  
Dere are times vhen hyu need to compromise in a relationship, but dis is not vun of dem. At least, not in this vay. Hyu tell him that de brodders can visit vhen he is dere, und not vhen he isn’t. If he ken’t accept dot he isn’t ready to be dating human girls right now. Hyu isn’t going to get rid of dem completely, und if dat bothers hyu, hyu may need to rethink dating a jaeger, because ve really do tend to come in a group, but dis is excessive. Und if he still dun listen, send in another letter vith his name und de two brothers, und I get some pipple to _talk_ to them for hyu, ya?  
Dey is idiots.

 

A reader asked:  
Dear Auntie Agony, my co-workers keep leaving food everywhere and now we have a mimmoth infestation. In revenge, I have begun catching them, cooking them into various dishes, and serving them to my co-workers. Unfortunately mimmoths have no taboo against cannibalism, and I have only helped make the infestation worse. HELP.

Auntie Agony answered:  
If hyu iz eating dem, vhy iz dis a problem? Hy dun understand. Mimmoths taste verra gut, especially vith a leedle bit of sour cream- haff hyu tried dot yet? Ooh, or de mimmoth und snail curry, dot vun is really gut.  
But hy know hyu say “Auntie Agony, dis dose not help! Hy already haff my favorite mimmoth recipes, und still there are more mimmoths, und dey chew all de vires und make de important papers go missing,” ya ya ya. So I giff hyu effen better recipe dot vill use lots und lots of dem.  
MIMMOTH STEW  
(Dis vun is big enough to feed three jaegers for two days. Mebbe giff some to de letter writer vith de bad boyfriend?)  
First, hyu take fifty or sixty mimmoths. (I told hyu, vill use dem all op). Hyu gots to skin de fur off ov dem und take all de meat off und set aside. (Mebbe get de coworkers to deal vith de skinning so dat dey learn not to leave food out. Is a sad vaste).  
Next hyu makes a campfire really really hot. Fill up de biggest pot hyu ken find vith all ov de mimmoths except de meat und de fur, und cover dat vith vater. Cook dat all afternoon.  
For Jaegers you leave it as it is, but for humans hy em told hyu gots to drain off de yummy broth und get rid of de bones und tings. Hy dunno vhat hyu haff against dem, dey is de best part. Nice und crunchy.  
Den hyu puts it back on de fire, but make de fire not qvite as hot. Add all de leafy tings hyu likes to eat. Myself hy am partial to cabbage, nettles, giant hogweed, und dill, but hyu do vhat hyu like.  
After a couple more hours hyu add de meat, some kind of sauce, und de chunky veggies. I like to use dat snail sauce dat de man by de corner of Doom und Despair sells, gut stuff. Veggies hyu can use parsnips, radishes, chestnuts…lots of goot possibilities.  
Hyu gots to remember to add LOTS of de sauce und chunks, or will be soup und not stew. Stew hyu should be able to eat vith a fork. Lots of chunks, vill cook down und be thick.  
Cook until de mimmoth meat is all done and is goot texture, und eat vith bread or something hy dunno hy em not hyu mamma.  
Hopefully dis vill help hyu vith hyur mimmoth problem.

 

All ov hyu need lotz of help, und hy em unfortunately here to help hyu. Send hyur schtupid letters und i make hyu better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Elf Kid 2.0, Luunyscarlet, and Azzandra for your questions! If I didn't get to yours it's coming, this chapter got a bit long lol. Please ask any questions you may have for Auntie Agony!  
> (Also: FirebirdEternal suggested Giant Hogweed in the recipe, thanks!)  
> DO NOT EAT ANYTHING IN THAT RECIPE PLEASE. DO NOT EAT POISON. I'm sure you all know this, but just to be sure. Use Auntie Agony's relationship advice at your own risk, and do NOT use her cooking advice!

**Author's Note:**

> Check out the origins for this that were linked at the top, it's hilarious! All prompted by brawltogethernow and an anon on their tumblr. Please comment any questions you need answered by Auntie Agony!


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